I was stopped in my tracks in Marks & Spencer yesterday; they had finally produced something that, momentarily, I was desirous of wearing.

This amazing creation was a pair of corduroy jeans in a colour I call ‘shit-brown’ – not easy to find in my experience.

In reality, I’m unlikely to make a purchase as I don’t care for their ‘fit’; it’s too …. too …. well, commonplace. I don’t care for jeans that ‘fit where they touch’; I like ’em to ‘touch what they feel’.

And I like ’em low-ish, that hang from the hips. Years ago I was told that females are turned-on by some curve to a guy’s rear-end, since when I’ve been taking stairs two-at-a-time in the hope it’ll keep my arse in good shape.

I can’t see it – my arse I mean – but where it locks into the top of my legs it feels, well, sort of shapely to the tops of my fingers. This I take as a very hopeful sign as the ‘sensitivity pads’ at the top of my fingers have been remarked upon by more than one who has known them well (and I don’t mean my Grandma).

In the ‘What Men Do’ Guide there’s reference to the near-magical knowledge which master craftsmen have at their finger tips – a form of intuitive know-how quite different from the basic knowledge of the brain and ‘what makes sense’.

Thinking about it I reckon this is why I often feel ‘out of it’ – ‘out’ meaning a sort of dissatisfaction with what passes for prevailing opinions, which is what seems to be acceptable to Joe Average. That’s why, for instance,

I’m the only guy in Halifax taking two steps at a time on the escalator when ‘Joe Average’ is taking the opportunity to have a free ride.

And I’m not saying that a life of such slovenliness leads to a flabby arse, lumps of cellulite appearing here and there leading to the cover-ups from Marks & Spencer, but then nor am I saying it isn’t a contributing factor.

Actually now that I think about it, ‘Joe Average’ has been getting on my tits recently with his bland acceptance that if it’s good enough for the crowd, it’s good enough for him.

(Perhaps I should point out to those who haven’t got themselves a copy of the Guide that ‘Joe Average’ is the ‘bad guy’ in the plot. This is because he personifies the human seed with which we’re all born but that remains sterile and wasted in the ‘bud’ stage. (Deep, huh?). This is because he lacks the Balls to make any attempt to blossom – if you get my drift.)

So much for my moment of amazement in M & S, since when I’ve been wondering, now that they’ve got the colour right, is it conceivable they’ve tossed aside the ‘Joe Average’ fit?

I think I’ll take a closer look.