I’m never lonely when I have a wank.

Quite often I’m fired with the need to relinquish my bodily fluids because of a sudden awareness of someone who, without realising it, has pressed my ‘Go’ buttons, so I let what seems natural to take its course.

I find the loneliest time of having sex isn’t when I’ve got my best mate in my hand but when my partner isn’t in the mood.

Then I’m suddenly pissed off with myself as I reckon I should have inspired her with the desire to couple before I began the action.

Of course from time to time I’m the one who’s not feeling too fired up. Usually I’ve been drawn in reluctantly, physically but not emotionally. In my mind I’m sort of ‘doing a service’, but my will power is the only thing that’s keeping my knob hard; there’s no lust, no passion; I’m primarily feeding my ego.

This lustless situation doesn’t happen very often as, after the first few times, I’ve learned to avoid it. I’m finding that increasingly, enthusiasm is a vital component of involving myself (in almost anything, actually) so if I’m not hot for the ultimate objective I tend to steer clear.

When it’s a situation that I’m alone, say away from home, and the itch in my nuts starts acting-up, I’m blessed with a terrific imagination. Sometimes I’m tossing myself off with such reckless abandon that I start laughing – at myself, of course.

‘You’re gonna do yourself an injury!’ I’m saying to myself whilst at the same time attempting to accommodate the lusts of some gorgeous damsel-in-distress who has newly entered

the hayloft and is squeezing herself onto my monstrous tool between the other ladies already worshipping there, all panting from exhaustion.

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure what gives way first; my cock or my imagination. I just know I feel vaguely thwarted whilst trying to work out how to clean myself up.

Let’s face it, fellas; such peace that we get from a handjob is very shortlived. In a rather weird way, I always feel my tackle has benefitted from the experience more than I have.

Invariably I’m reminded of the quote in the WMD Guide by the French essayist, Michel de Montaigne, when he complains of:

‘the disobedience of this member which thrusts itself forward so inopportunely when we do not want it to, and which so inopportunely let’s us down when we most need it’.

He wrote that almost five hundred years ago.

Clearly, some things never change.